Been a while....

My 5th grade teacher Mrs Spero taught me how my mind works. She was the one who exposed my hustle. I acted like my mom was an overworked person. But she was a teacher in the NYC Education System. When I was busted through slip of the tongue of my best friend at the time I had to make up all my work for her that I fudged through. She let me draw my comics in class because she knew my work was done, My previous teachers never realized I was bored because I was done before my classmates. So I was writing and drawing storylines that I gave to my friends because they loved to read them. She never stifled my creativity. She knew when I outsmarted everybody and got away with things. She’d let me know she knew even if there were no ramifications. I was in band get to goto extra art. Along the way that was stolen and started believing what people said and trying to conform to what they wanted me to be. I became afraid to try in everything. The creative drive suffered. My relationships suffered. My life suffered. Until I ended up in a hospital bed. I have accomplishments. I did everything I planned from high school. But I never did anything right where my heart was concerned. I never fought for anything. I became an introverted loner. The world started treating me as such. Recently watching Esperanza Spalding’s Exposure Livestream I discovered things about myself I forgot. That creative spark was rekindled. I realized nobody in my life now knew that me. I was 10 now I’m 43. Somebody asked me where did it come from? It was there dormant. I’m questioning everything in life. I’m looking for thing that inspire me to surround. I’m putting time into the things I want. The sad part is that this journey is going to have to begin alone. I can’t articulate something people don’t want to hear or be a part of. I’m no longer swallowed in circumstance. I have to make my own path in life, musically and morally. I’ve depended on systems of though instead of learning for myself. I let others limit on me and themselves effect me. I had settled instead of flying. Here goes another uncomfortable chapter of life. Who knows where this will end up.

At the End of the Day

Aug 2015 - Thanksgiving 2015

Mid August I started a new job only to be carted out on my 2nd day by ambulance. I had never had to stay in a hospital before. It was a new and scary experience. A bunch of different ailments and medicines followed. A life vest and restrictions had me depressed, angry and fed up. I truthfully just wished I didn't make it. I hate not being able to do for myself or do things. I was weak, tired all the time and mentally drained. Also I was on a new life schedule and diet. I lost my job and basically was in a bind. 

The thing that hurt the most is I felt people thought I wanted it to be this way. Basically this led to more unhealthy isolation that I had to do to keep my sanity. Long story short I have spent the last few months recovering and trying to stay out of debt. What makes me thankful you may ask. After having a 186/140 blood pressure and nearly collasping I have no permanant heart damage. In fact I just returned the life vest last week. My unhealty A1C dropped drastically from keeping my diet and this long recovery has started on a good note despite the mental torment that tried to suffocate me during this time. Is it over? Far from it. But I am now more determined to see this through. 

Set Me Free Fromyself

2006-2007 began a whirlwind of traumatic experiences that but me into a place where a stronghold took root in my life. I quit. I gave up. And with that something took root that choked my energy, giftings and desire. For the last 7 years i had been bombarded to just accept "christianease" and have gone through many places and ministries in my life. Knowing something wasn't right. Last night I had a dream. The people I was angry at was in it. I went into an absolute rage destroying everything and spewing profanity and hatred. It was the anger, hate, resentment and hurt that had taken root in my life. I woke up and it was still there. As I laid in my bed realizing what I just witness I heard the Lord say. Do you want me to take that out of you? I said yes and a miracle took place in my room. Nobody did it. It wasn't a "word", a prophesy, laying on of hands, a song or a preacher. It was Him when I wasn't looking for it. He know what you need and what it is and people guess. Only he can set me free from myself.

Birthday Reflections 2015

On the eve of my birthday it always gets complicated for me emotionally. It's when I look at myself as is my custom. Not anyone else or what's going on in the world just me and what kind of person I chose to be. This year I lost another Uncle and have become even more distant. I also have become less intrested in the activities and shortcomings of others. I've been focused on not excusing myself as I point to others. The question was why do I care. I really didn't I was using the opportunity to put myself on a pedestal. I am vocal about my life and beliefs and expect others to be. You can't agree with everybody but that doesn't give you the right to try to silence their voice. Your compassion shows who you really are. I have loosened my grip on superficial, needy relationships with ulterior motives snd tightened with the few who are close to me. A real friendship is not convient and you may not have contact but you give that person thr benefit of the doubt because life happens. Overall I'm at peace with the world but not myself. I did it again. I gave up and compromised and got in a situation that not only killed my spirit but also caused me to forget who I was. I lost my joy, passion and drive. I am six months removed but the effects still linger. Doubt is around me and nights alone are filled with tears. As I watch others stand up I am reminded I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't pursue. I just gsve up. I did release an album again finally but it was the hardest fight of my life. I'm a personal mess. I'm so hard on myself but Zi am my only support system. Last year I got over other people's opinions and judgements but this year I face my own. 

Michael Jackson - Scream (Clean) Audio Only

What Do You Do?

What do you do when your life is a joke. All you worked for is gone? Nobody has an answer. Nobody seems to care. Life goes on for everybody else. You've sacrificed and put yourself out there but you have nothing to show for it. You're literally starting over again. Everybody has moved on and/or wrote you off but they're in contact for that" just in case" garbage. You are broken. What do you do? You are cold. What do you do. All the cliches ain't doing nothing but making you angrier. What do you do? Everybody else os tanking on you. What do you do? I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. My life doesn't seem to serve any purpose anymore. I have failed. 

Veggietales St Patrick

Only a Shadow (Live Only a Shadow Concert) - Misty Edwards

The Lesson That Became Real In 2014

I'm a fairly talented guy I guess (or that's what I'm told anyway) so I have experienced a few things. One that has annoyed me Is people's need to try to acclimate you into their lifestyle. Lifestyle doesn't even appear in scripture (well earlier translations) and this isn't even the point. We love to "fix" people. (I am not exempt from this statement.) we love being agreed with. We love effecting mindsets around us. But scripturally I've found it's easy to start doing the Holy Spirit's job. One thing I have started doing around people is asking Him what I should say and not say, what should I address and not address. I've learned to listen better. People do tell you when you are not trying to "read" them or assume. By doing this I've felt the other side and it's not cool. What I've found people will give or not give attention, fellowship and even friendship if it's not on their terms. This is against what the word teaches but what our society embraces as it's philosophy in the United States of America. Our love, commitment and friendship should be given freely like God did for us. But we don't know how to recharge correctly or suffer fatigue from abuse (emotional). Our first thought is to "fix" it.  Problem is we teach that Jesus will fix it. We want Him to fix this life but He doesn't. He gave us a new life. A different way of thinking, living that doesn't revolve around you. He killed your old life at Calvary and the life you live is His. Kind of changes things huh? The life this world tries to promote God isn't even interested in. He separated us from it in His death and resurrected us into His life. Our ways and isms crucified with Christ and no longer I live but CHRISTI lives in me. When we live we can't reflect Him. We can't "fix" the old life only disgusts it. I can't change anyone but that's not my job anyway. We are looking for solutions that don't apply to this life like Adam and Eve were trick into trying to be something they already were in Eden. Why are you still trying? You don't accept or believe it because it's too simple. You're trying to live on something or continue something God finished roughly 2000 years ago. But it's only my job to proclaim it not make you live it. 

-PSHJ

Fact or Facade.

People judge you based on assumption. They never ask for or seek the truth. They make up their own truth in their mind. People will swear they know all about a situation they know nothing about because they piece together their "facts" with incomplete information. We do it all the with celebrities and with events the media sensationalize. A lot of people also do it with God. They have a second hand knowledge that is not their own. I did an experiment on my Facebook account putting sayings up and scripture. Some of the sayings were kind of borderline and some could not be supported by scripture. Much of the scripture was ignored except for by a few. When asked about it was often taken out of context of what it was talking about in the Bible. We have things in our culture and countries that we talk about and attribute to God that really doesn't come from his Word or have been twisted. We want to make the things of God "me" centered or want it to fit our mindset and philosophy when in all truth it's something that was here before any one of us had a thought. Eternal things are not dictated by the temporal.

7 Years Ago

For those who know me intimately you know since early 2007 my life has taken an unexpected turn. As I tried to outrun this "spiral" it seemed to me things just got worst. I will not go into detail. I'll just say say I've experienced loss in a magnitude I never had before and really just tried to "go to a corner" to just do something positive at least. What I really did was give up. December 2007 I'll admit I gave up on everything that I God showed me at the age of ten. I felt nobody believed in me anyway all they wanted were my talents. (Still feel that to a degree.) I packed up and went to WV where I met some wonderful people which I never completely told my story to. Basically God told me to go back home and I basically left and went back to NJ. I just joined a church going through the motions not really concerned about much but ended not being there after a while. The thing is this journey helped me discover a few things. I really stopped listening to people about God and decided to seek and study for myself. No holds barred and put it all to the test. I discovered we all have sacred cows we want to hold on to. I had branded mine but it wasn't His Word or the truth. It was something I had just accepted without studying it for myself. It's been a hard last few years learning some things and perceptions may NEVER change but none of this was really never about "me" in the first place. Really I'm just running still. Doing this and that not really happy selling myself short depending on talent fighting against a box I have no business in. Death to myself already happened on the cross. I was reluctant to let the life of God "animate me". I wanted reason to hate and be bitter and hold others responsible for what Jesus already payed for with his sacrifice. When it comes to what I'm good at I've never been swayed. Now even more so for what God has purposed me to do with my life.Why? It's not my life. It's what He's doing. It's no longer about proving myself or a point. It's about Christ and what He is doing in the earth. Nothing is sacred and nothing He's not doing is acceptable anymore. Ironically I'm coming up on the 7th year since all this began and I see something coming that everyone else will clearly be able to see themselves soon. Stay tuned. 

DIRTY LOOPS - Hit Me

Amel Larrieux - No One Else (Live 9/25)

Amel in the morning. Yeah it's going to be a great day.

Stevie Wonder- You Haven't Done Nothin'

This song was released the year I was born and ironically still holds up well in relevance.

Lesson Learned

Why did I let the feeling of my heart hide inside
Killing me softly every time I deny
The truth of how I felt all along
How you smile gives me strength and my heart a song
Maybe because of stereotypes and prejudices I felt we could never belong
I sold myself short and I realize I was wrong
Time has past and we have moved far apart
It's painfully obvious someone else has your heart
I refused to take the gamble and never place my bets
I never took the plunge and have many regrets
But living in the past has never held me back
Just know because of you I'll never hide my love again like that.

-The Poet With A Passion
(C) 2013 Shamik H. Jones 

What I Feel

Hiromi Uehara 2006 Love and Laughter

She's my musical hero. Well one of the MAIN ones. Love this.

Skrillex, Sound Energy, and The Drop -- with Jack Conte

Hiromi The Trio Project - Desire (Live Fuji Rock Festival '12)

Morning. :)