Birthday Reflections 2015

On the eve of my birthday it always gets complicated for me emotionally. It's when I look at myself as is my custom. Not anyone else or what's going on in the world just me and what kind of person I chose to be. This year I lost another Uncle and have become even more distant. I also have become less intrested in the activities and shortcomings of others. I've been focused on not excusing myself as I point to others. The question was why do I care. I really didn't I was using the opportunity to put myself on a pedestal. I am vocal about my life and beliefs and expect others to be. You can't agree with everybody but that doesn't give you the right to try to silence their voice. Your compassion shows who you really are. I have loosened my grip on superficial, needy relationships with ulterior motives snd tightened with the few who are close to me. A real friendship is not convient and you may not have contact but you give that person thr benefit of the doubt because life happens. Overall I'm at peace with the world but not myself. I did it again. I gave up and compromised and got in a situation that not only killed my spirit but also caused me to forget who I was. I lost my joy, passion and drive. I am six months removed but the effects still linger. Doubt is around me and nights alone are filled with tears. As I watch others stand up I am reminded I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't pursue. I just gsve up. I did release an album again finally but it was the hardest fight of my life. I'm a personal mess. I'm so hard on myself but Zi am my only support system. Last year I got over other people's opinions and judgements but this year I face my own.