Taking Responsibility For Myself

This year God has been showing me myself. I admit this has not been pleasant at all but I committed this year to personal growth and the destruction of Christianease in my personal life. I look back and see my insecurity, indecision and immaturity and wish I could change some bad "pride" choices. I ran from what God wanted and went into something else that I had no business doing. In the midst of that He still moved in my life and brought clarity to the vision he gave me at ten and His plan for my life. I find myself stripped and broken and now He's building and I'm just obeying. I really chose to be transparent with a select few and they are my close friend until today but I also put a facade up concerning others. Well it cost me... everything. Let's be honest (since this is about me anyway) I became what I detested and instead of manning up I just rode it out to save face. Big mistake. Things fell apart like The Roots and I ended up in the mountain like Moses... literally. (West Virginia) This is when God showed me I was pushing people away because I wouldn't deal with all the hurt from my life and I refused to let people in my life. Having prayer every night up there was what I needed. Then God told me to come back home and start facing the things I ran from and to start doing what I'm supposed to do. You see from the first time God told me what I was called to do i ran. I wanted no parts of it. I realize now that was the cause of my frustration. Anything that was drawing me that way i tried to sabotage an say things i never meant and said well that can't happen now. Duh, you can't beat God. I must have been entertainment from the throne. Basically long story short guess where I'm back at. Exactly. I'm not the same religious, fearful person i was 2-3 years ago and i know it's just the beginning but it all started by taking responsibility and not letting what people think, say or do effect my life. We all have things we regret. But to quote myself, "Forgive and move on word is bond/ you ain't the only one who's had tough like Cheech and Chong". I have learned when you release forgiveness you receive forgiveness. It's like my relationship with my father, we can't go back and change the past but we can build now for a brighter future. -Selah