Been a while....

My 5th grade teacher Mrs Spero taught me how my mind works. She was the one who exposed my hustle. I acted like my mom was an overworked person. But she was a teacher in the NYC Education System. When I was busted through slip of the tongue of my best friend at the time I had to make up all my work for her that I fudged through. She let me draw my comics in class because she knew my work was done, My previous teachers never realized I was bored because I was done before my classmates. So I was writing and drawing storylines that I gave to my friends because they loved to read them. She never stifled my creativity. She knew when I outsmarted everybody and got away with things. She’d let me know she knew even if there were no ramifications. I was in band get to goto extra art. Along the way that was stolen and started believing what people said and trying to conform to what they wanted me to be. I became afraid to try in everything. The creative drive suffered. My relationships suffered. My life suffered. Until I ended up in a hospital bed. I have accomplishments. I did everything I planned from high school. But I never did anything right where my heart was concerned. I never fought for anything. I became an introverted loner. The world started treating me as such. Recently watching Esperanza Spalding’s Exposure Livestream I discovered things about myself I forgot. That creative spark was rekindled. I realized nobody in my life now knew that me. I was 10 now I’m 43. Somebody asked me where did it come from? It was there dormant. I’m questioning everything in life. I’m looking for thing that inspire me to surround. I’m putting time into the things I want. The sad part is that this journey is going to have to begin alone. I can’t articulate something people don’t want to hear or be a part of. I’m no longer swallowed in circumstance. I have to make my own path in life, musically and morally. I’ve depended on systems of though instead of learning for myself. I let others limit on me and themselves effect me. I had settled instead of flying. Here goes another uncomfortable chapter of life. Who knows where this will end up.

At the End of the Day

Aug 2015 - Thanksgiving 2015

Mid August I started a new job only to be carted out on my 2nd day by ambulance. I had never had to stay in a hospital before. It was a new and scary experience. A bunch of different ailments and medicines followed. A life vest and restrictions had me depressed, angry and fed up. I truthfully just wished I didn't make it. I hate not being able to do for myself or do things. I was weak, tired all the time and mentally drained. Also I was on a new life schedule and diet. I lost my job and basically was in a bind. 

The thing that hurt the most is I felt people thought I wanted it to be this way. Basically this led to more unhealthy isolation that I had to do to keep my sanity. Long story short I have spent the last few months recovering and trying to stay out of debt. What makes me thankful you may ask. After having a 186/140 blood pressure and nearly collasping I have no permanant heart damage. In fact I just returned the life vest last week. My unhealty A1C dropped drastically from keeping my diet and this long recovery has started on a good note despite the mental torment that tried to suffocate me during this time. Is it over? Far from it. But I am now more determined to see this through. 

Set Me Free Fromyself

2006-2007 began a whirlwind of traumatic experiences that but me into a place where a stronghold took root in my life. I quit. I gave up. And with that something took root that choked my energy, giftings and desire. For the last 7 years i had been bombarded to just accept "christianease" and have gone through many places and ministries in my life. Knowing something wasn't right. Last night I had a dream. The people I was angry at was in it. I went into an absolute rage destroying everything and spewing profanity and hatred. It was the anger, hate, resentment and hurt that had taken root in my life. I woke up and it was still there. As I laid in my bed realizing what I just witness I heard the Lord say. Do you want me to take that out of you? I said yes and a miracle took place in my room. Nobody did it. It wasn't a "word", a prophesy, laying on of hands, a song or a preacher. It was Him when I wasn't looking for it. He know what you need and what it is and people guess. Only he can set me free from myself.

Birthday Reflections 2015

On the eve of my birthday it always gets complicated for me emotionally. It's when I look at myself as is my custom. Not anyone else or what's going on in the world just me and what kind of person I chose to be. This year I lost another Uncle and have become even more distant. I also have become less intrested in the activities and shortcomings of others. I've been focused on not excusing myself as I point to others. The question was why do I care. I really didn't I was using the opportunity to put myself on a pedestal. I am vocal about my life and beliefs and expect others to be. You can't agree with everybody but that doesn't give you the right to try to silence their voice. Your compassion shows who you really are. I have loosened my grip on superficial, needy relationships with ulterior motives snd tightened with the few who are close to me. A real friendship is not convient and you may not have contact but you give that person thr benefit of the doubt because life happens. Overall I'm at peace with the world but not myself. I did it again. I gave up and compromised and got in a situation that not only killed my spirit but also caused me to forget who I was. I lost my joy, passion and drive. I am six months removed but the effects still linger. Doubt is around me and nights alone are filled with tears. As I watch others stand up I am reminded I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't pursue. I just gsve up. I did release an album again finally but it was the hardest fight of my life. I'm a personal mess. I'm so hard on myself but Zi am my only support system. Last year I got over other people's opinions and judgements but this year I face my own. 

Michael Jackson - Scream (Clean) Audio Only

What Do You Do?

What do you do when your life is a joke. All you worked for is gone? Nobody has an answer. Nobody seems to care. Life goes on for everybody else. You've sacrificed and put yourself out there but you have nothing to show for it. You're literally starting over again. Everybody has moved on and/or wrote you off but they're in contact for that" just in case" garbage. You are broken. What do you do? You are cold. What do you do. All the cliches ain't doing nothing but making you angrier. What do you do? Everybody else os tanking on you. What do you do? I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. My life doesn't seem to serve any purpose anymore. I have failed.