Moving Forward

Just received the final track of a mastering project today. In fact it a track I produced and J did a great job on the mix. While in my project studio I also started making church music tracks in my singing keys. I got so spoiled singing with my sister Bridget all these years. (Her music memory and talent are ridiculous.) Really my desire to do music returned in WV when i actually got some time to pay attention to it and forgot what I love to do and God called me to do in my teen years. Being a workaholic I have been working on my focus and setting and meeting deadlines in a reasonable time. As I listen to this track I think of my friend Juan and what we started in the early 90s musically. I'm now working with his cousin and another friend closely with a bright future ahead of us doing what I planned to do with my life in the first place. It's called full circle you get off of track trying to please others and live an image who is not who you are at all. I know I need to reintroduce myself to many people who have been in my life at one time or another. Even with the struggles and complications life is starting to feel right again. Like I always say it rains on the just and the unjust and we all get wet but what will you do? I choose to do what I always wanted to with my life music, ministry, a family and preparing the next generation to pick up the baton. Funny even when my dad returned I wasn't thinking about none of that just sat in the valley of decision about my life. Did I even want it. Serious. You know your weaknesses and you don't need reminders. Now it doesn't matter. I needed to find my initial connection again. The ten year old mesmerized by that puppeteer who talked about the light. The teenager who heard God's voice and refused to go down that path. The man who was at his ropes end and found friends and a life changing experience at Bible College in Columbus, Ohio. I had lost that. My drive aggressiveness and determination I had. My care and zest for life itself. As I open my mastering software and see myself now here I know it's a new beginning for me and a changed attitude toward things I took for granted and dishonored with my stubbornness. I learned when you harden your heart it is not selective. It becomes hard toward everything. I remember sitting in the second row front left at The International House of Prayer in the midst of prayer and worship asking God to soften my heart again. I had hardened it in a attempt to protect myself from the hurt, rejection and anger I felt for a lifetime. He did. Now I'm here finding again who I once was.

Ouch.

For those who know me this year began with a commitment to work on myself. I was asking God some serious questions about what I'm going through and why things haven't moved along in some areas. "Remember when I told you to do ______ and you did _______ instead." Those words hit me like a cosmic slap but it was the truth from the one who love me the most. God. Yeah I remembered like crystal clear. My stubbornness. Yeah I'm admitting it to the world. I WAS STUBBORN!!!! Of course I tried to move and do something that wasn't the will of God hurting people and creating false expectations all because I wanted to disobey. Really I was like one of those spoiled kids you see in the mall when their parents say no to a toy they feel they NEED. Yeah I'm telling the all knowing God that's not what I need in my life. (Yeah I do feel a little dumb in retrospect but that's only a feeling not fact.) My mouth and confessions drove the promise away from me as well. (Remember the blog about eating humble pie.) I had my life planned out just for God to say no when I said I'm moving on to something else. Yeah right. So I'm crying, repenting, etc. but i realize now I have to obey. I have been obeying until it hurts. Why? Because it needs to be developed in me and since I waited. Welcome to the crash course spiritual summer school edition. God has got me at a place where I can't do anything at all if I wanted to. It' like I went hardcore in the gym and feel so sore but I know it's a good soreness. I tried to avoid the process but that process is what makes you ready for the promise. God wants us totally dependent on Him. A song God gave me years ago rings true and has been the soundtrack of my life. (I guess God was trying to tell me something back then.) "Thy Will Be Done". Why? You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't keep running away like the Pharcyde. You can't give in to foolish pride and lose the things God has told you are necessary to be in your life. Learn this lesson from me that obedience is better than sacrifice. Shalom.

Relationships, Communication and What People Expect

Let's just admit it. We have different levels of friendship whether we acknowledge it or not. We all are different and like different things. There are people who are straight up associates in my life. We're cool but the relationship is superficial at best. Then there is what I refer to a the 12 (a Jesus and his disciple reference) the ones who are around you and know your vibe so to speak. Then there are you inner circle even within that. The closer the person is the more they know the real us. The further away a person is the more likely they are to believe a lie. Fellowship or hanging out and getting to know each other remedies the potential for people to believe gossip and lies. The problem is our facades. We love to save face and have the upper hand. When somebody shows vulnerability selfish people usually go for the jugular which will deny future access. If communication is at a low assumption usually happens. But not only us our circle of friends too. Sad but true many have been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion. Going to somebody else instead of talking it out with a person is mistake number one. You shouldn't take another's opinion of a person. You need to know them for yourself. Sometime what you see on your own is enough to make you run.
Another problem with wanting something from somebody you're not close to is expectation. No two people think of handle things the same. If you don't know the other person's reasoning and thought process you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You expect one thing and the other person is thinking something else completely different. It's good to have a grip on what is fantasy and what's reality in your relationship. When you think a scenario in your head and it doesn't work out you may get upset and do irrational things. The other person is like o.k. where did this come from? NO, WE CAN'T READ YOUR MIND. What you want and desire must be communicated and not hinted at. Hey we love to play the mind games and such but they leave you nowhere. (Trust me I know.) Being open and honest helps any relationship. People then are able to get to know you and what you really like and dislike. When you try to spare people feelings and lie it causes problems too because they will think it's o.k. while in the meantime you are frustrated. Having healthy relationships make life a little easier. Even though you won't see eye to eye all the time there will be clarity where somebody stands. Don't let people on the outside sabotage a potential relationship and friendship take the time to get to know somebody before you size them up. Another life lesson I learned the hard way.

Another Birthday and The Things That Matter Most

I look at my life and I see many things. Specifically I see how people like to feel important but not make others feel that way. I see in myself something I battle against, selfishness. I rarely feel sorry for myself or hold grudges but seriously at one point I really thought there would not be people in my life who cared for me for me. Yeah there's Shamik the musician, producer, sound man and minister but there's one Shamik I felt was ignored, Shamik the person. Over the years he's been expected to be something he's not. The pressure drove me up the wall. People wouldn't talk to me put throw me into situations where I was expected to know what to do how to act and approach something. Many things in life I found out through trial and error due to lack of leadership, mentorship and a father figure. Trust me it's not an excuse but it's the reason I had difficulty. A parent methodically teaches a child over time when somebody else will instruct you once and expect you to get it. Then there's the standard you better not break if you want to get in the inner circle that same standard you see nobody else keeping. For a while I really forgot who I was. Then there are friends like Adrian. He was the first friend who had nothing in common with me music, sound or ministry who just wanted to be my friend for me. He's the reason I steal off to Columbus, Ohio now (since Mark moved) because his family became like my 2nd family. It's true friendships like this and the love of my church family that now helps me keep my life in perspective. It's a relationship that is complete mutual. As I get older the people who support you, believe in you and have a grip on what God has called you to do are those who matter most. They remember your birthday and are the first ones hitting you up even the day before. These relationships are not performance driven. It's those time even through the hard times you work it out and grow. You accept them for who they are and not reject them for who the aren't. This birthday I'm a rich man not because of my bank account because of the blessing of the people who are in my life and have been in my life. Thank you all for being genuine, listening and being truthful with me. I love you all.

-Shamik