Ouch.

For those who know me this year began with a commitment to work on myself. I was asking God some serious questions about what I'm going through and why things haven't moved along in some areas. "Remember when I told you to do ______ and you did _______ instead." Those words hit me like a cosmic slap but it was the truth from the one who love me the most. God. Yeah I remembered like crystal clear. My stubbornness. Yeah I'm admitting it to the world. I WAS STUBBORN!!!! Of course I tried to move and do something that wasn't the will of God hurting people and creating false expectations all because I wanted to disobey. Really I was like one of those spoiled kids you see in the mall when their parents say no to a toy they feel they NEED. Yeah I'm telling the all knowing God that's not what I need in my life. (Yeah I do feel a little dumb in retrospect but that's only a feeling not fact.) My mouth and confessions drove the promise away from me as well. (Remember the blog about eating humble pie.) I had my life planned out just for God to say no when I said I'm moving on to something else. Yeah right. So I'm crying, repenting, etc. but i realize now I have to obey. I have been obeying until it hurts. Why? Because it needs to be developed in me and since I waited. Welcome to the crash course spiritual summer school edition. God has got me at a place where I can't do anything at all if I wanted to. It' like I went hardcore in the gym and feel so sore but I know it's a good soreness. I tried to avoid the process but that process is what makes you ready for the promise. God wants us totally dependent on Him. A song God gave me years ago rings true and has been the soundtrack of my life. (I guess God was trying to tell me something back then.) "Thy Will Be Done". Why? You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't keep running away like the Pharcyde. You can't give in to foolish pride and lose the things God has told you are necessary to be in your life. Learn this lesson from me that obedience is better than sacrifice. Shalom.